Cuddle Buddies Nourish Our Mammalian Need for Connection
You may or may not identify as polyamorous. I have no investment in how you roll. That said, may I recommend exploring being poly-cuddly; that is having multiple cuddle buddies.
Curbing the Scary Hunger
Let me explain. The other night I was having dinner with a friend, and he was talking about how challenging it was to connect with a woman he dated briefly. He was really into her. She was still recovering from the end of a hard relationship and not feeling the impulse to deeply invest in one heart connection. The mismatch was painful. They broke it off and now he was wondering if he could have done something differently.
Have you ever been in a situation where your desire for somebody far exceeds their authentic desire for you? Did your hunger scare them away? Perhaps you have been on the other end of that dance; when there is somebody who clearly wants more than you authentically want to give and you start to pull away.
What does one do when your deep desire for connection has a way of repelling the very connection you crave?
This unmet need and hunger thing can also happen when you are in a committed relationship. Right now my man is in Maui while I’m in California. We’ve been apart for 3 weeks, and it will be another 2 before we reunite. I am seriously missing my daily doses of oxytocin love. If I was focused exclusively on him to get my needs met, my situation would be excruciating. I would be foaming at the mouth with desire for connection and could easily start getting angry at him for choosing to be in Maui.
Spacious When Touched by Friends
But I’m not. I can give him space and support to meet his desire to be in Maui in part because I have cuddle buddies in my life: friends and loved ones I get to spoon and cuddle with. This is how I get some of my core mammalian needs met. My hunger for my sweetie is pronounced, but it’s not in the red zone because I’ve creatively found ways to get some essential desires met through my community. Now I’m enjoying connecting to my people and using the extra space in my life to focus on other creative outlets.
I was telling this to my friend at dinner he had the thought (I’m paraphrasing here), “Maybe if I had cuddle buddies in my life, my connection with that lady would have had space and time to grow.”
“Bingo!” I thought.
What would shift in your life if you had multiple cuddle buddies? Besides being inherently gratifying, enjoying your connections with others can help take some of the pressure off your significant other or hopes for a significant other.
I was sharing a similar sentiment with a couple that was experimenting with the possibility of opening their relationship. They were wondering how to deal with that situation where she was wanting to connect to a lover and he was “left alone” on a Friday night.
At that moment, I didn’t recommend that he get cuddle buddies. (Though now that I think about it, it’s not a bad idea.) But I did talk about how having multiple channels of connection could make situations like theirs feel less threatening.
If you are just focusing on one person to get all your emotional, spiritual, and mammalian needs met, it doesn’t give that one person a whole lot of energetic space or freedom to enjoy their other interests or connections. Those other connections might be Maui, a work project, a dance, or another intimate.
Either way, having space in your being to let your special someone follow healthy impulses that don’t involve spending time with you can really serve your relationship. Consciously cultivating multiple connections that feed, nourish, enliven, and support you can help you create relationship resiliency. You will feel more resourced and connected. You can give your special someone their need for space while not losing out on your basic needs.
When There is No One, There is Always The One
And the truth is, sometimes no cuddle buddies or intimates are available. That’s life. Form has limitations. I would not recommend madly adding more and more cuddle buddies and intimates to your list to completely avoid the feeling of being alone. That is the making of a fine addiction.
Rather, may I suggest adding the Divine to your list of intimates? Source is always available, 24/7. Being intimate with the Divine has been known to heal addictive patterns. You can always call out the name of the Divine and open your heart to Source. Being with you being with Source is incredibly intimate and gratifying.
I’ve been practicing this daily myself. I’ve been feeling more and more loved and held, even with long periods between cuddles. Being intimate with the Source of Love can soothe your heart, make you feel held, remind you of your inherent lovability, and help you manifest more cuddle buddies.
How could cuddle buddies nourish your life of love?