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Differentiating Desires, Fulfilling Desires

Fulfilling Desires Artfully

Have you noticed that different desires create different effects? Some lead to juicy fulfillment, some don’t.

Some desires come pure and potent, like a piece of music that has the power to move people’s bodies, inspire synchronistic action in the Universe and create connection and beauty. Some desires come from convoluted places, land poorly and invoke a variety of unpleasant reactions.

We all want to feel fulfilled, lit up and shiny. How you manage and meet your desires has tons to do with your experience of fulfillment. So the question I’m asking today is, “How do we differentiate between the desires to follow and the desires to leave fallow?”

Sometimes I wish there was a universal “dos and don’ts” list that made it super easy to decide which desires would do me right. Certainly people have tried to create such lists: Do have children, don’t have sex outside of your marriage, do buy a house, don’t get angry and so on.

And yet, those lists don’t really work for everyone. Some choices are really obvious, like don’t rip that person’s head off. But some choices aren’t that obvious. For some people having children is integral to their fulfillment, for others to do so would be incongruent with their deepest desires. In one stage of a person’s life, not being monogamous is truly self-honoring and essential to their experience of life satisfaction. For others, that choice would lead to unnecessary suffering.

Differentiating Desires

So how do you differentiate? How do you know what desires to deepen with and what desires to ditch? This is particularly good to ask around the question of relationship choices.

Given the power of desire, it helps to know which desires are worthy of your time, energy, attention and prayer.

What I've noticed in my life and in the life of my coaching clients, is that the most fulfilling desires have particular qualities; indicators that they will lead to good things.

Traits of Fulfilling Desires

Here’s what I’ve discovered so far about ‘fulfilling desires’; that is desires that lead to fulfillment.

  • They don’t come from reactivity. Desires that come from old, unconscious defensive patterns rarely lead to yumminess.

  • They are integrated. They honor all your beautiful parts-- your tender parts and your big and bold parts, your humanity and your warrior spirit.

  • They feel inherently good. A pure desire feels good to feel. Whether or not the world changes to meet that desire, there is something beautiful in simply feeling it and owning it.

  • They keep on coming back. You thought you could just let it go, but it is persistent and calls for you attention over and over.

  • They focus on what you want to create rather than what you want to escape. Framing your desires in the positive “I want to feel held and seen.” Versus the negative “I don’t want to be ignored and abandoned” changes their tone and creates more fulfillment.

  • They aren’t super attached. Expressing a desire with an agenda to get it met from the outside world or else, rarely goes well. Passionate desires can be powerfully good, but fixated desires can prove damaging.

  • They come more from your heart than your head. Your heart is powerfully intelligent and can hold an awareness of both your animal body needs and your soul’s true purpose. Your head, while seriously valuable, can have a way of ignoring essential aspects of you. I have found that the head is best used in service to the heart’s greater intuitive intelligence.

  • They are more essential than complicated. While I have repeatedly seen people manifest relationships that met complicated desires (i.e. “I want a man with these 72 different traits.) I have yet to see those relationships go as dreamed. In fact, they often led to deep disappointment. In contrast, desires that are more simple and essential in nature seem to be received by the Universe remarkably well. The desire that is essential (“I want to feel supported”) can be met in all sorts of different ways, at all times by the Universe with or without the participation of a partner. Fulfillment is far more accessible when the desire is essential and simple.

The 'One Simple Desire' Intimacy Game

Speaking of simple desires. I wanted to share with you an intimacy game you can do with a partner, potential special someone and even in a group. I have had many a magical evening unfold with this game and it’s so worthy of being shared. This game came out of the genius of Tobin Zivon and it’s called “One Simple Desire.”

For many people knowing what you want, naming it and having the experience of your desire being fulfilled is far too rare of an experience. This fun, intimate and love generating game will help all participants experience the beauty of that seriously fulfilling cycle.

So here’s the game: “One Simple Desire”:

  1. Get in a comfortable situation with at least one other person. Beds and living rooms are good options. Anywhere that feels relatively safe and supportive works well, it could even be on the grass in a park.

  2. Have one person tune in and get clear on “one simple desire.” Find something that would feel good and could be met by the other person (or persons) in that moment. Like a little head massage or some verbal appreciation.

  3. Share your desire. It helps to preface your desire with the phrase, “I would love it if you….” Here are some examples: “I would love it if you stroked my face lightly with your fingertips.” “I would love it if you told me 3 things you appreciate about me.” Or “I would love it if you held my heart and breathed with me for a spell.” If you are in a group situation, enjoy orchestrating multiple people to meet your desires.

  4. Receive. The other person or people can now respond to your one simple desire and give you the experience of receiving just that. It’s so much better if you truly let yourself receive rather than feel kinda contracted wondering if it’s okay to get what you want. Yes, Dear, it is so much more than okay. You receiving is a beautiful thing. Let the other people decide if meeting your desires is something they can comfortably do or not. Negotiations are always an option if the request somehow needs to be modified so the giver is also taking care of themselves.

  5. Take turns giving and receiving. Repeat steps 2-4. If it’s just two of you you can go back and forth. If it’s a group each person can get a turn.

So there you have it. Pathways to serious fulfillment found in the conscious meeting of your desires. May your love of life grow in a field of beautiful desires.


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