Tools to Feel Empowered
The following definition and exercise are both excerpts from the Your Compelling Bubble of Love eCourse where you can learn 6 self-love skills to create abundant love from the inside out.
What you have below is one piece of a much larger body of work that has about 140 pages of written material plus 8 videos, 7 guided meditations, 6 self-assessments and 31 different exercise.
It is also a very powerful piece of the puzzle that is essential to transforming drama dynamics and creating empowered interdependent loving relationships.
(Your Compelling Bubble of Love eCourse are excerpts from the module Delineation: Owning Your Sphere of Sovereignty)
The skill of Delineation, as I define it, is drawing the line between what you can control and what you can’t control and investing your creative life force in that which you have agency over.
This skill is fundamental for creating healthy boundaries.
Healthy Boundaries Keep Us Together
Healthy boundaries keep us from abandoning ourselves. Healthy boundaries help us walk away from relationships that don’t serve our well-being. Healthy boundaries give relationships more libidinous vitality. Healthy boundaries help us feel empowered in the dance of interdependence. Healthy boundaries help us respect the boundaries of others. Healthy boundaries help us feel like an individual in a relationship, rather than just an extension of someone else. Healthy boundaries keep us from creating resentment. Healthy boundaries prevent other people from dictating our self-worth with their opinions.
Healthy boundaries give potency to your compelling bubble of love.
Finally, healthy boundaries are what taking ownership of your Sphere of Sovereignty is all about.
Exercise: Delineation Within a Drama Story
The core skill in the act of delineation is to define what you have control over and what you don’t have control over. Once defined, the next step is investing your life force specifically in that over which you do have control.
This experiment will viscerally reveal the benefits of delineating well and the costs of not delineating well.
Try the following:
Step 1. Think of a recent relationship drama that left you feeling resentful, drained and/or disempowered.
Step 2. Write out the story. Take note of not only what happened outside of your sphere of sovereignty (i.e., he did this, she did that, he said this, she said that), but also what happened inside of your sphere (e.g., your thoughts, feelings, sensations, perceptions, beliefs, impulses and actions).
Step 3. On small pieces of paper (Post-it notes work), write down each element found in your story (e.g., He said this [one Post-it] then I thought that [another Post-it]). Repeat until you have a pile of many of the elements on several small pieces of paper.
Step 4. Now write each of the following phrases on a separate sheet of paper:
“Things I can control”
“Things I can’t control”
Put these two pieces of paper on the ground about two feet apart.
Step 5. Hold each piece of paper (Post-it) that describes some element of the drama, one at a time. With one element in your hand, stand first over “Things I can control” and then over “Things I can’t control.” As you stand over “Things I can control,” feel into what it is like to try and control this element of the story. And as you stand over “Things I can’t control,” notice what it is like to acknowledge the fact that you can’t control that element of the story.
For example, if you are holding, “he said that he didn’t want to go with me to see my parents,” get curious about the sensations, emotions, impulses and thoughts that arise for you as you try to control that element of the story.
Then do the reverse. Hold that same element of the story in hand and stand by “Things I can’t control.” Notice what it is like to let go of any attempt to control that element of the story. What sensations, feelings, thoughts and impulses arise when you let go of trying to control this piece of the story?
Step 6. Repeat step 5 with each piece of paper that comprises the details of the story. Create little paper piles next to the phrases on the floor, delineating what genuinely is within your control and what it outside of your control.
Step 7. Gather the bits that you viscerally recognize you have some control over and get curious about what you might have done differently that would have felt better (e.g., I originally interpreted what he said to mean that he didn’t really care about me. I could have interpreted what he said as him trying to take care of himself and manage his energy well.)
In the final module we’ll get more creative about these pieces of the puzzle, but for now simply get curious about other options you had and how that might have felt.
Step 8. What did you notice? Write down your insights with this process.
Elements Within Your Sphere of Sovereignty
Sometimes it can be difficult to identify the pieces that you have control over, especially in the throes of a relationship drama. If you find yourself barely aware of what you do have control over, let me help you out.
Here is a list of things you have agency over:
What you say and what you don’t say.
The stories you tell yourself.
The perceptions you get invested in.
What you do.
Your attitudes about something or someone.
Your interpretations of other people’s actions.
What meaning you make of your own feelings, thoughts and actions.
Where you place your attention.
How you hold your body.
How you breathe.
What gestures you make.
How you respond to your feelings.
What requests you make.
What sensations you invest your awareness in.
I’m sure there is a whole lot more than the above list that moves around in your sphere of sovereignty. And, yet, truthfully the proportion between what is happening outside your sphere and what is happening inside of it is notable. By sheer force of real estate volume, there is a hell of a lot more in the world that is outside of your control compared to the bits that exist within your sphere.
That said, you still have a ridiculous amount of power to positively transform your world from the inside out. If you truly pay attention and invest your creative life force inside of your sphere, you will feel far more empowered to create an internal experience that is deeply fulfilling.
To learn more about "Your Compelling Bubble of Love: Six Self-Love Skills to Create Abundant Love from the Inside Out" visit www.EmpoweredInterdependentLoving.com
Here is one woman's experience of the class:
"All aspects of my life have been beautifully touched and profoundly impacted by participating in Lorina Manzanita's brilliant offering, "Your Compelling Bubble of Love"! This six week course has provided me with tangible and accessible tools toward my cultivation of self love, which has created a whole new, more love filled orientation to all my relations and life itself.
The grounded practices and content were so easy to digest and beautifully woven. Lorina's authentic, grounded, compassionate, and heart-oriented guidance created an immaculately safe container for full exploration and support.
I felt so held, seen, supported in this deep journey! Lorina's tremendous gift and wisdom in the landscape of the heart is beyond anything I have ever experienced! I constantly find myself utilizing the concepts and practices in my daily life, and plan to refer to the course content for years to come!
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~ MaKenzie Eason
Doula & Massage Therapist