Why is it that sexiness so easily dwindles when contracts and expectations take over a relationship? And must it always be the case that chemistry and sparks peak when a relationship is new and fresh?
As a former serial monogamists, I’m happy to say on my 5 year anniversary with my Partner in Divine, that I’ve learned a much better way to love. I’ve discovered that passion and stability aren’t mutually exclusive. By tears and grace, I have discovered in my bones that alive, sexy, connected, harmonious and resilient relationships are possible.
And now is a great time to grow this relationship reality in your life. As I meditate on this Sunday’s Epic Super Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Aries the following aspiration popped into my brain:
“Devoted Individuation and Sexy Partnerships”
Aries is all about the Self. On a bad day it’s about the egoic selfish self. In its more enlightened version, Aries inspires us to be our own person in the form of authenticity, leadership, purpose and libidinous potency. With the Sun in Libra, the sign of relationships, a light is also being shined on how we do relationships.
With this archetypal set up, it’s a great opportunity to explore one’s sovereign self in relationship. That’s where individuation comes in-- it’s the process of becoming your own person and differentiating from others and society .
For me individuation means many things, like:
Saying “no” when you mean “no” and “yes” when you mean “yes”
Being transparent and telling your full authentic truth
Giving yourself permission to do things differently, despite other’s expectations
Setting healthy boundaries
Doing any of the above expressions of individuation can be risky and vulnerable, it often requires devotion and commitment to live that way consistently. It also requires self-love. Especially when your heart gets involved and find yourself falling in love.
It’s so easy to hide your full truth in an attempt to maintain a connection and keep a relationship. But connections and bonds that are created with a muted self have a way of losing their spark. And that’s exactly what we are trying to avoid.
So here are some things that I’ve learned that are essential to creating a sexy partnership:
It’s vital that you organically create partnerships not from culturally approved cookie cutter concepts of what relationships “should” be, but from following a deep devotion to one’s untethered truth. When you are committed to expressing your individual truth, needs and desires (and honoring other people’s truth, needs and desires), you set the stage to co-create unique relationship dynamics that are alive and juicy.
You might be thinking, “Huh? Examples please.”
So here’s are some mundane and profound examples of what I’m talking about:
When Ines and Tom first started dating, they would often ask the question, “If I were by myself right now, what would I eat?” (Or do … or watch... or _____.) They would then share what was true for them and see where they matched up. After a period of time, it got really clear that their lifestyles were remarkably similar. Spending time together didn’t involve much compromise at all, they could be they natural selves and connect from there.
When I first met my partner he told me “God is my primary.” What he meant by that was that he was more devoted to listening and following the deeper truth of Spirit, then he would ever be to a love interest. Interestingly enough, when I heard that I settled even more deeper into my own skin and found him even more attractive. I wanted that for myself too. Five years later we are in a relationship that is even more vital and juicy than when we first got together. Divinely inspired if you will.
Edith and Sven make it a practice of telling each other the full vulnerable truth of what is going on inside their hearts and minds on a daily basis. (That might include who they find attractive, uncomfortable feelings or impulses they may have.) This way of being in relationship involves striving to listen to each other without blame, shame or judgement. Staying in a space of non-judgement sometimes involves breathing and pausing and consciously taking responsibility for their own feelings. They are ten years into a relationship that continues to turn them on.
How devoted are to your individuation? And how does that show up in your relationship dynamics?
What vital connected magic might happen when you dare to be your full authentic self and create bonds from that place?
For a juicy visual/audio transmission of what I’m talking about, please checkout this video that I co-created with my sweetie, Tobin.
In it we explore: “How to organically create relationships by letting go of agendas and dropping into a space of discovery.” To watch please click on the video below: