How to Skillfully Deliver Truth Bombs that Could Kill the Relationship
In my last post I talked about creating intimacy with the art of naming your truth. But what about those situations where you fear you might lose a relationship if you named your truth? What if your “truth” isn't compatible with their “truth”?
“I really love you, but I‘m not willing to be monogamous.”
“Baby, I’m trying but I’m seriously questioning if this open relationship is really good for me.”
“I really like this ____________ sexually.”
As I meditated on the astrology for this Tuesday’s New Moon in Gemini, the following question came to mind:
“How can you skillfully name a truth bomb that has the potential to end a relationship?”
Sometimes your truth has a potency to it... sometimes it threatens the status quo big time... sometimes you think the listener is not going to like your truth one bit. What then?
In all honesty, I can’t say I have totally mastered this element of naming my truth. But I am much better now than I was before, and I thought some public musing and reflecting might do both of us some good.
Guidelines to Naming your Truth
Of course, all the guidelines I offered in my last article still feel applicable: 1) Stay close to your experience 2) Own your experience 3) Be mindful of what and when 4) Stay curious 5) Look for sensations of truth in your body and 6) For the hard truths, find a good container.
What if it Hurts?
So what other pieces are good to hold when it comes to delivering a truth that could sting, hurt or dissolve the current form of the relationship?
Before we go there, it seems important to explore why one would even want to throw a truth bomb into a relationship in the first place? Why risk it?
Hazards of Not Naming your Truth
The potential of not telling your truth includes:
feeling disconnected from a loved one and from yourself
getting stuck in a relationship role that is unfulfilling and based on half-truths
abandoning yourself and then resenting the other person and the situation
feeling unseen and unappreciated for who you really are
getting so buried in withholds that the relationship ends up dying from lack of true intimacy
The Benefits of Naming your Truth
The potential benefits of telling your full truth include:
give others the opportunity to surprise you and respond to your truth in beautiful ways
develop deeper intimacy and more fulfilling relationship dynamics based on your truth
revitalize the relationship by liberating the energy that was required to hide your truth
an increased libido (nothing sexier than profound authenticity according to authors Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks and my own experience)
Now, hopefully you feel motivated to explore the practice of meeting your edge and naming your truth. And with that established, we can proceed to the art of skillfully delivering a truth bomb into a relationship...
Adding Grace to the Mix
Here’s are some practices and perspectives that you can mix into the afore mentioned guidelines.
Take time to connect with Source before you have the conversation. I invite you to consciously receive from Source/Spirit/Oneness that essential something your heart fears losing in the relationship. Is it Love? Support? Appreciation? Provision? Safety? What essential quality that exists beyond form does your heart fear it may lose if you tell this truth? When you identify what that quality is, imagine receiving that essential something from Source itself. What would it be like to receive that bit of goodness from unseen forces? Pay attention to the sensations and feelings that arise as you drink in this essential quality. Imprint upon your nervous system the experience of love without condition. This process can decrease a sense of desperate neediness and co-dependent tendencies. With this practice, you can rest in a felt sense of wholeness as you deliver your truth.
Trust in the wholeness of the person you are sharing with. Just as I invited you to hold an awareness your wholeness, supported by Source itself, I suggest you intentionally focus on how your intimate is also whole and held by Source. Yes, there is a chance their wounded inner child will respond with tantrums and fears. Yes, there is a chance that they will pull out all their favorite defense strategies. And do know that it’s possible to hold their fears compassionately without trying to rescue them by giving up your truth. That will be much easier to do if you focus on their essential wholeness and their capacity to enjoy life with or without you. Just as somebody pointing out our strengths helps us see those strengths for ourselves, you can help your loved one experience their resilient, creative, Source-supported, adult Self by holding that reality in your awareness.
Name your hard truths sooner than later. Telling your significant other that your sexual orientation has shifted and that you fell in love with somebody who you plan to move in with is never easy. But it would be significantly less explosive and held less as a betrayal if there was a lot of loving heads up on these issues as they arise. “I think that person is attractive.” “I find myself wanting to explore this element of my sexuality.” “I love you, but I fear that some of my deeper desires aren’t getting met in this relationship. What do you think we can do about that?” There is typically a lot more authentic preamble that is possible to share before you deliver an explosive truth bomb. The little hard truths shared sooner rather than later gives you and your loved ones (or potential intimates) time and opportunity to organize your hearts, minds, bodies, resources and relationship structure around what’s true. Little edgy truths shared sooner than later allow for more graceful and loving transitions and accurate alignment. This way you are making it possible to create a lifelong ally-ship, even if you don’t end up being romantic partners for the rest of your lives.
Learn to trust in the Mystery and relax into the unknown. Yah, I know, much easier said than done. But I would be remiss if I didn’t highlight that trusting in the process of dissolution is essential to being responsive, rather than reactive, to a truth that has the potential to change everything. Despite all our best efforts to cling to how things are and resist the ever changing flow of life, death slowly creeps in whether we like it or not. Delivering a truth bomb can be like initiating a mini-death, a mini-death that could allow for the rise of a beautiful phoenix in your life of love.
What truths have you been holding back from sharing?
How can you lean into Source to help you name your truth with presence and love?