Juicier Options Beyond Control

October 24, 2014


What juicier options exist beyond trying to control a relationship?  Control often feels like stress, drama and contraction.  Wouldn’t you rather feel juicy, empowered and alive?


Scorpio New Moon Eclipse


The issue of control has come up in various forms and guises of late in my relationship coaching practice. With today’s (10/23/14) new moon in Scorpio eclipse, it feels like a good topic to bring to the light.  It’s a super charged new moon after all. A wonderful time to start new patterns.


What can you control?


Relationship experts Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks points out that one of the essential skills in love and life is to be able to distinguish that which you can control and that what you can’t control.

For those of us who have codependent tendencies, this can be a really important point to grok. We can’t control what other people think about us.  We can’t control whether or not someone loves us.  We can’t control who our partner is attracted to.


That said, you do have some measure of control over the thoughts you focus on, the impulses you follow and how you greet your emotions. (And that's a huge empowered nugget.)  That said, we have very little control of much else in love and life.


We can try to control others, I know it’s a super tempting option, but that path is often a no win game. Stress, unintended consequences and exhaustion frequently accompanies that choice. Rather than create intimacy and connection, trying to control a relationship other can often lead to it’s demise.


So what’s a woman to do?


In my talk called: Unwinding CoDependence and Embodying Empowered Interdependence with Darlene Downing in the Empowered Embodiment Revolution tele-summit, I share some insights about our choices. (I hope you check it out, it airs Nov 5th.)


Here I would like to offer you the following juicier empowered options:

  1. Pray.  So often the impulse to control another comes from the drive to get our needs met.  I’m all for getting our needs met.  But trying to get our needs met from somebody who isn’t capable, available or willing will only lead to frustration and drama. Humans have limitations.  Source (The Universe, God/Goddess, take your pick) on the other hand doesn’t have many limitations.  Prayer can be a way to connect to a vast and creative wellspring of loving brilliance that’s waiting to help you get your needs met.  Source also has magical ways of delivering that which you need. Pray, connect, reach out the invisible hand that has been there for you all your life.

  2. Surrender. The Hendricks point out that we can only control a limited number of things. How do you hold that which we cannot control? Let it go. Surrender. Give it up.  I know. Easier said than done. But if you practice surrender one impulse to control at a time, you will probably find out that life becomes a lot easier.  Ease can be in the form of a fuller breath. It could be the realization that letting him go wasn’t the end of the world after all. Surrender a little at a time and a little more and I bet you will get some beautiful positive feedback from the Universe.

  3. Love. There is this odd notion that jealously trying to control somebody is an expression of your love for that person. Hmmmmm… I don’t quite buy into that. It certainly doesn’t feel like love. It feels more like fear. I would suggest that we often try to control another because we’ve been using that bond to try and fill a whole within ourselves.  Rather than try to control another, the more satisfying solution is more often loving ourselves. Try noting jealous feelings and impulses to control as a sign that some part of you is feeling less than loved, less than whole.  Try feeling underneath that story, pray, surrender and gently embrace that part of yourself with love.

Juicy love awaits you beyond the illusion of control.

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