That someone special isn’t always going to perfectly attuned. Nor will they be capable of always being there physically, emotionally or mentally-- even if if they want to.
I woke up this morning, day 10 with an ocean between me and my sweetie, 24 hours of barely hearing his voice and knowing he was hanging out with another woman last night. It was an easy set up for feelings of abandonment to come up to the surface. And they did, not huge ragers fortunately. I’ve had enough experience with him to know that he can connect with another woman and come back to me with a huge open heart and full of presence.
That said, distinct and palpable waves of feeling that my desires for contact were not being met were clouding my consciousness. Sadness. Withdrawal. Frustration. These emotional tones were lingering much longer than I would have prefered.
And then another option whispered in my ear. In truth, it was a reminder. And for my own sake I chose to pay attention. It was a reminder that my feelings and my state of mind are my responsibility. When I released the notion that my well-being was dependent on him being on call a more empowered choice opened up.
I could be present to these feelings and sensations. I could greet these little girl worries with attention and loving kindness. Throwing a temper tantrum wasn’t going to get me what I really wanted. Which was to feel held.
In a workshop with Shauna Shapiro, she said that mindfulness (that is intentionally paying attention with loving kindness) is how we can re-parent ourselves.
So with mindfulness I can hold myself. And I am holding myself now. And in this act I am re-parenting myself. I can pay attention to these feelings and sensations and meet them with loving kindness. I can feel the tightness in my chest, the heaviness in my breath, the longing in my skin and I can greet them all with with care and acceptance.
In this space vulnerability and strength aren’t oxymorons.
This is an opportunity to meet myself in my tenderness. I can slow down, place my hand on my heart and breath. I can touch myself. Sooth myself. Love myself. Just as I am. Abandoned little girl feelings and present and loving mother and father all in One. This way I can be free and held simultaneously.
And here I am, clouds of abandonment evaporating in the love light of my own Presence.